Hard Lessons Learnt

As an ND person we’re used to doing stuff wrong and it’s a long journey but I wanted to share a blog post about things outside of writing that are still a big part of the writing journey. I’ve spoken before about meltdowns and editing as an ND author but there are other aspects that don’t get as much attention, and some will be a reiteration of those blog posts but I’m doing it because it’s important.

Because as an ND writer, there is stuff we see and here a thousand times and just don’t get.

That magical ‘click’ in our brain when we understand something that is almost and auditory sense for me has been amazing. Then there is some stuff I’ve done for years I still don’t entirely understand.

I’m sharing what I’ve learnt that if you’re ND you might like to know/be reassured of, and for those who aren’t ND a little glimpse as to what is going through the mind of your ND writerly friends.

  1. Not all Demons

Lets just start with the fact that within a lot of ND writers (but not all) is a host of ideas. Many ND authors I talk to have periods like any writer where they go through a void of idealessness, but many of the others I’ve met, and myself included, have so many ideas its hard to focus on ONE idea.

And that’s not a bad thing, despite the inherent frustrations. Which one should get the revisions and focus and editing done on it? Which one to query or publish? You could ask someone else, send out a few first chapters and get feedback is one way to start with a trusted CP, its how I got Behind the Veil in my first trad publishing story. But most of all go with your gut. The story that’s the most enjoyable to write, no matter the content, is the best use of your time, you’ll put more of yourself into it, and I think that’s a good thing.

  • Bad feed back

I’ve spoken about this one as part of my editing blog, but I wanted to come back to it. I’ve really struggled on how to take editing on my feedback since writing my first open ND book.

I’ve had an extraordinarily patient and understanding CP on that one, but I want to talk more specifically about the feedback in itself.

“I don’t get this”

Reading that particular piece of feedback is super hard when you know what you mean but you’re not able to rethink it over. You can walk away from the script and come back to it, but sometimes, your intent and meaning isn’t clear, no matter that it’s something you DO get and you love.

But if you intend on sharing with others, sometimes you do need to edit out that part, rewrite it, or even read it aloud to someone to describe what you are seeing or feeling about the text. There is usually a lightbulb moment of understanding with an NT person once you can open a discourse about it, so don’t be afraid to do that.

Also be used to being wrong. We all make mistakes. Its OK in this sphere to make a mistake. Go tell yourself that. Put it on the wall. Say it in the mirror. It’s OK to have mistakes.

  • Hyperfocus

It’s cool. It can be used to write thousands of words in a day. I think my best was 20k in one day. It wrung me dry for the next couple of days so I know my limit is 10k a day, but I love that I’m able to do it with relative ease. I love that we ND folk geared towards writing can make that happen.

It’s a two edged sword though.

I’ve met a few writers, myself included, who hyperfocus on one script. It’s our baby, our love, and the story we know is the one. The one that’ll get published, get acknowledged, get the awards, get on the NYT, everyone will love it, if they just knew how good it is!

I’m sorry, but no. No one script is going to do that. Your heart project may be too far out for a lot of agents. Chances are its also your first book so it may not be the best writing you can do. And that fucking hurts.

I’ve thought I’d written the best book ever and have people say its unpublishable garbage.

Please be ready for this, but please know that some of your best work may come from that same place but not be of it, or it can be revised into something submittable. But it is not all that defines who you are and what you can do.

  • Communication

I’ve edited this piece after a conversation today with a fellow ND author. We talk a lot about how ND authors struggle to communicate without talking about what that means on a social media platform.

I’ve deleted/misspoken on social media and some of its lashed back in my face really badly. I try not to delete tweets but I’ve found I’d rather do that than have someone misunderstand what I meant.

We can feel very viscerally strong about subjects/hills we will die on and for us it’s not just a statement, we feel the intent behind those words, those hard to hold feelings can rise within us without being overwhelming to the point we lash out. We can be angry, we can be sad, we can be vicious.

I don’t have a solution to these feelings, they’re true to who I am. But I try to stick to kindness or well meaning snark on social media because much of the world doesn’t want our rage or sadness, and sometimes I don’t want to share. Sometimes I do. The point is that you have to pick your moments for when they matter most, and be aware its not what everyone wants to hear. And they’ll let you know in no uncertain terms that you are wrong.

Every time you see those responses please be aware that those opinions are just that. Opinions. These people shouldn’t live inside your head rent free because you pay for it with guilt. You choose who you spend your emotional effort on, and it shouldn’t be on people who hurt you. When you find yourself feeling like this, ask yourself; what purpose does feeling like this help me? Can I change what was said or done?

Chances are the answer is no. So don’t. Easier said than done I know, but tell yourself, say it out loud. Or if you need someone to boss you around, ask yourself this; what would Ejay say if I tear myself apart in guilt from some random internet troll?

Not to do it? You fucking bet.

  • Other writers

ND authors… you ever get the feeling that all the NT writers know something you don’t?

Like there’s an unspoken manual that you never got a copy of and if you just read it things would make a lot more sense?

Yeah, it’s in the same place as the manual on life.

You’re only every going to find it through experience, stuff will still be missing, and coming to terms with that is hard. I remember being among a group of writers, and someone said something and everyone just nodded. I sat there and nodded too, gave a half smile of understanding.

I still to this day have no idea what the writer meant. To the point I don’t even remember exactly what it was that she said anymore. I go home and ask my husband and he’s usually a good grounding voice for stuff that’s off vs me just being paranoid. But this is going to be a lot like life in general.

We don’t get stuff, and that’s Ok.

I still haven’t got that click moment with the difference between “its” and “it’s” and nobody explain it to me because I’ve had just about every editor explain it to me and I don’t get it. I haven’t got a “click” moment. It is so minor, so small, such a little thing.

I DON’T GET IT.

I’ll get it, maybe, one day. They’ll be a moment. And I’ve come to learn during my writing journey that it’s a lot like a life journey. I let autocorrect take it, try to do my best, and hope I get that click but I don’t let it become the focus of the whole sentence or script.

This isn’t easy, we put a lot of ourselves out there for questioning without ever knowing what parts are tangled in our neurodiversity, and we should edit out because nobody wants that.

I’m here to tell you I want that. That you will always have that part of you that you think might be wrong, and you may be wrong, but making mistakes shouldn’t be about erasing yourself. That its OK that not all of this makes sense to you. There are things I’ve yet to experience I know I’m going to get wrong. That’s OK too. So are you – and I need you to know that. I need you to believe it, because some of the most amazing stories I’ve read are from minds that aren’t wired like anyone else.

I just want to read, and write, more from the twisted labyrinth of ND minds, even when we make mistakes.

Neurodiverse editing

Those not on the social platform Twitter will have missed the enlightening conversations happening around neurodiverse authors and their writing being policed. I say this knowing full well that I myself have struggled with the idea of what it is to be an ND author.

That writing our own unique story telling voices are breaking traditional rules of writing. I want to address the specifics of what I’ve uncovered in my battle to separate my ND voice from poor writing, and I hope if you are ND that you can see those in your own writing.

  • Agency

A lot of the comments I get on overall beta and dev editing in characters that have a lot of myself in them is this; your character needs more agency. I’ve begun seeing other ND authors struggling with the same thing.

What is agency?

Agency is defined as a proactive protagonist. The ability to make decisions and act on them, rather than let the story happen to the character.

Why is this a problem for ND authors?

Because we are so often in the wrong, we learn to sit back and wait. To let things happen, wait for information/outside events to dictate our actions. We mask ourselves, our thoughts and language, push the parts of us that are different down so hard, that when we come to self expression, which writing is all about… we write what we do.

Go back and look at other characters you weren’t so invested in, characters that weren’t the MC who were driving the plot for your character. I bet they have a lot of agency. See, our writing doesn’t lack agency, but our characters do because we’re waiting for all the information before we make an action, because this is how we behave in the real world.

How as an ND author do I get around it?

Write how your character feels/give them internal thoughts on what’s happening. I know it might be odd but if you explain your internal thoughts or reactions a bit more, but you can also have them participate non-verbally with actions too, even if that action is as small as fidgeting, tugging clothes, subtle ones designed to go unnoticed but display the feelings of the ND character. Even what action they’d like to take but why they didn’t take it.

We’re used to asking ourselves that age old question; what if we’re wrong?

You shouldn’t forget that nobody knows that’s what you might be asking yourself, the thoughts and doubts inside your own mind, and so having your character do it for you can be helpful.

  • Disappearing

There is a big difference between someone who is silent and someone who isn’t there because the writer is focused on pushing the plot along.

A comment I got during my CP rounds of my first ND script is: where is Islae in this scene. Characters can often be quiet, thoughtless, a piece of background furniture, much like an ND person can feel, as described above.

Here is where I want to differentiate from the first point; I have a lot of thoughts on many subjects. ND’s but those with Aspergers like myself will be aware of the hamster wheel of info and processing that goes on behind the scenes, but that doesn’t make good reading text. So I drop in what would actually go through my mind I write what I’d like the character to say but doesn’t because they dont feel their opinions are valid, or they make an opinion and question it because they dont have all the info. If they have all the info then even the occasional text block of reaction/thoughts, and then edit the garbage words out in order to streamline it as much as possible to be friendlier to NT audiences.

I often go to say something, and someone will change the conversation so I remain silent. I have a perpetual need to finish a story/anecdote I was telling, or to pass along an experience or piece of information. These are very awkward moments socially, but while it can be triggering (and is, please know fellow NDs I got very triggered writing my ND self into my books doing this), it does demonstrate your character’s presence, and add to agency.

  • Visual scenes

A poor writer will often under or over describe a backdrop.

An ND writer will often block out an overwhelming backdrop/over analyze an interesting scene.

How do you balance the two different experiences out? I will often get an image from pintrest that’s similar to what I want, and use it as a base template, so that I can better picture this for my reader.

Alternatively, I’ll use the read aloud function to work out where I’ve been overly repetitive in my language/thoughts on a scene, and cut those out to better streamline the writing.

Also keep in mind this is a general writing thing; readers can and will automatically “paint” a scene as long as you give them a template to work from. The ticking clock in a library, the scent of incense in a temple, the harsh lights of the doctor’s office; remember the other senses you may purposefully shut out because it can be triggering might be good props not only to describe scenes, but also to demonstrate what its like to be triggered by these things for NT readers.

You are sharing more than your story, you are sharing your experience as an ND. If these things make you too uncomfortable don’t do them. I can’t dictate what you do and don’t write, I can only give you the examples I’ve used myself, whilst informing you that these can be triggering too.

  • Feedback

This one is a doozy.

I can copy edit fine, beta other peoples work no problem.

I fucking hate dev edits.

It will take me months to fix dev edits. And part of it is that its dev edits, but the BIG part of it is that someone has effectively said; you missed this spot here.

When we take pride in our true selves, our attention to detail, we’re presenting our work for someone else to review, and the last thing we want to be told now that we’ve put ourselves out there is that we did something wrong.

I don’t know, but I think we can feel those comments, like negative reviews, more keenly because we’re more sensitive to negativity. I always went to extraordinary lengths when beta reading to soften my comments but be clear in why I was criticizing something, and you don’t always get betas or CPs who do that.

It is one of the harder lessons, along with taking good feed back, for an ND writer to acknowledge.

I often remind myself of it as such; when a beta/cp points out something, its because there was a mistake big enough they fell out of the story.

And we all make mistakes and can be corrected for consistency, smoothness, but above all, enjoy ability by the reader. We don’t want them to fall out of the story.

So take a deep breath and acknowledge you made a mistake, and move on, but when you are ready to do so, because sometimes if you force the issue you end up putting yourself in a lot of anxiety. There is a difference between mental processing time, and just procrastination.

  • Detail

I am resisting (like fighting against Darth Vadar levels of negativity) the thoughts wanting to call one of my best betas a liar.

She waxed on about how much she loved my ND books and the reasons why and she got really specific about it… because I was specific.

ND folk notice details, pay attention to things others don’t, have odd quirks and mannerisms that appear in our writing. The compliment in question was about a small facet of cleanliness that I was hyper aware of (but completely unknown to her was a red herring for future story stuff, hashtag not sorry).

We don’t always do it on purpose, but we do notice the details and its where our writing can stand out. I tend to focus a lot on what a character I’m attracted to is wearing, can be attracted to them because of what they are wearing. Stuff like that stays with me so I try to ensure it serves a purpose. For example, my ND character has conflicting emotions about a dress, not just because its sexy or makes her feel uncomfortable, but the material of the dress is actually soft and she likes it.

Look to your details, where you are being quite precise, and see if you can’t add why for the NT audience. demonstrating emotions through actions can be done a multitude of ways; fidgeting/stimming is a sign of nerves but it isn’t the only one. For example you could sweat, gaze dart, walk out of a room, queasy stomach. I can also recommend the Emotion Thesaurus to avoid cliché expressions.

Clearly defining the traits that make us the way we are might be misconstrued as eliminating my own perspective and voice. Erasing my identity from the pages in an effort to please neurotypicals. After being told all my life how to think, to be, to exist, I think I can do some telling back. I can tell you when I’m sad, angry, proud, or when I disagree. I am not changing my writing to conform to NT, I am explaining to an NT how an ND views the world, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Writing wrong

Just writing the title of this blog post is sending my skin crawling. It’s a physical effort to type.

But I can’t not. I can’t not say something about being neurodiverse now while its fresh, clear and concise in my head, even if this blog post might not be – not if you’re neurotypical.

On Friday night I had a meltdown.

I’ve spoken about having a meltdown before but I need you, if you are neurotypical, to understand something.

We talk about it like its some sort of toddler fit, like infantizing our reactions is helpful. How difficult it is to control extreme anxiety, depression, and feeling wholly overwhelmed is something we have a choice about. We don’t. Even as adults.

If you’re ND, please be careful, this may be triggering. I’ve marked the section with two astericks.

*

I could sense it behind the walls, it had to get out, and it was made of more than a good crying session or pacified with TLC, junk food and wine. It wasn’t going to go away. It was going to be big and ugly and I’ve learned over years to see those coming.

I knew from experience exactly what I needed to do to weather the storm about to be unleashed by my own mind.  That for a little while… I’d have no control.

I grabbed my headphones, I put on Flume’s ‘Never Be Like You’ I grabbed the teddy bear I’ve had since I was three, went into the bedroom, closed the door and screamed my heart out into its little soft stomach.

The one constant since I was a toddler was that bear. I cried and screamed until I blacked out.

*

Shame is trying to stay my hand but I need you to understand what is like as an ND person how hard this is, but also as an adult. Because after everything was over I tried to do what a toddler can not.

Why did I just have a meltdown?

As an adult you can identify the cause and triggers, and try avoiding it in future, or put the emotional distance you need between you and the thing that’s going to set you off. Because a meltdown on that scale is mentally and physically exhausting. As a kid people do care for you; they make sure you eat and sleep and hopefully put them in an environment that’s supportive. As an adult you don’t always self care like that. You have to figure out what caused it so it doesn’t happen again in a space that isn’t in your control, because I’ve had meltdowns in public and its extraordinary debilitating.

We can’t afford to do it; we can lose jobs, alienate people, and cause irreparable damage.

What triggered my meltdown?

Nobody liked my pitch for pitmad.

Before you wonder at how vain and stupid it was to have a meltdown over whether or not an agent liked the pitch of my book, let me tell you about it.

THE PITCH:

AMERICANGODSxMATRIX

Jobless

Dumped

Up for execution

Islae’s life is worth space garbage

But not to Moira

Islae can hack code into VR worlds where she can do anything until Moira’s enemies turn VR into reality, a nightmare Islae must face to save Moira’s life

#Pitmad #A #SF #ND

Why would I be terrified or stress myself out so much over acceptance for something so small as a single tweet?

Because it wasn’t just a tweet to me.

This is my first ND book, openly and unapologetic. I’ve hidden that part of myself, masked who I was, how I feel, to fit in, because that’s what all ND people do, especially before their diagnosis.

In the last two years on Twitter and in some social circles recently I’ve become confident enough in my thoughts and expressions to tell people that I’m on the autism spectrum. I’ve learned so much about my diagnosis from the courage of others.

I thought, just for a while, I could be that brave.

Except bravery doesn’t come without fear, and as ND all I do is fear rejection.

Fear what I’m doing is wrong.

I’ve put off doing the needed developmental work on this ND script because I’d been questioning it. Not just the story, whether or not someone would want gods in space, or hackers creating virtual realities that became real. Whether I was just a crap writer who wasn’t expressing themselves and trying hard enough to make this writing as polished as it could be.

Those thoughts were true; I am a crap writer who’s work needs polishing but so are most authors. We all draft a story that needs various stages of polishing and critique to make it really shine and be a story others can read without falling over inconsistencies, plot holes, char development, the works. As writers, we all need that feedback to improve the story because writing a draft is full of errors.

What was the difference?

As ND you are used to being wrong.

As a writer you are used to needing your work corrected and polished.

I lost the difference between what was my ND voice and what was just flawed writing. I can’t tell because I’m so used to being wrong that its all wrong, both the ND parts of me and the writing, and I can’t change that in my head. It wasn’t just the feedback from my wonderful and sympathetic CP who understands disability. It wasn’t just the betas who weren’t ND, but were sympathetic to an ND character. But trying to relate to an NT audience without realizing all the things you do as an ND person may just come across as simply being wrong writing.

When an ND person is listening to others, in a new social circumstances, we can feel anxious or nervous but do you know what else is there? A blank slate.

We’re waiting for someone else to give us the social cue and insert the appropriate social response.

We’re holding back what we feel because we spend all our lives waiting for others emotions to fit in.

We’re masking what we’d instinctively feel because after years of hiding, we don’t know how not to.

Identifying what behavior was ND, and what was poor writing, has driven me to an idea that the single tweet I put out that didn’t get liked wasn’t just about the world not wanting my weird ND self.

It was about putting the person I’d hidden away all my life out there.

Our sense of identity, who we are, what we think, how we react, when we’re being true to ourselves, comes with more than thoughts. It’s what we wear, what we look like, who we love and how we hate all the parts of ourselves we’ll never be able to be accept because nobody else does.

We write from the heart of ourselves and then we try to do what everyone does when they’ve written a book. You polish away the mistakes. Except who you are is the mistake. The soul of yourself is in more than the pages, its down to the fragments of what you do or don’t do or why you’ve reacted the way you have.

How are we supposed to market all that to an agent who isn’t ND?

We’re supposed to present a true an accurate account of ourselves to make it as original as possible to our true voices but how do we separate that from writing… wrong?

From having genuine reactions and thoughts that simply aren’t giving the reader enough to connect with if they aren’t ND?

To having a story, a fabrication of gods in space, alongside a story of self-acceptance?

I started erasing myself from the story. I returned and put it back in and then explained what I was doing for the NT audience. I’m navigating Islae’s fat, bi, ND story of self acceptance against gods in space, aware that every word change is me questioning whether anyone will see her, see me, in the end.

That tweet that didn’t get any likes wasn’t just about pitching my story, it was about putting all of my wrongness out there for someone, maybe, to think that such a story, my story, might not be wrong.

And I’m going to keep doing it. I’m going to keep having meltdowns. I’m going to keep questioning every nuance of this story’s “wrongness” until it gets an agent, until it’s published and in book form, because one of the key elements about it’s lesson is that this won’t change until we change what we think about ourselves.

And that we can’t do this alone. That what others think matter, because when we’ve spent our whole lives trying to ensure we aren’t wrong, to put that wrongness forward for someone else to judge is a terrifying, debilitating journey of freedom of self expression I refuse to give up.

I wont ever not be ‘wrong’. This story will never not be ‘wrong’. Islae will never not be ‘wrong’.

The story about self acceptance isn’t just that we’re ND. It’s that what people define as wrong isn’t right. It’s that in the end Islae isn’t wrong, in fact her wrongness is what makes the world right again.

And that maybe, one day, someone who’s struggled being ND, will be Ok being who they are, even if it’s wrong. Maybe, one day, I will be too.

A great idea of how rough the querying journey can be, and that not giving up really is the key.

Amanda Woody

Gif of Meryl Streep not giving a shit and downing a bottle of wine

First and foremost, shoutout to Paula Gleeson (@PaulaGleeson) for inspiring me to write this. I wasn’t sure anyone was interested in my journey, so if you’re reading this, it’s because of her!

Also I paid $25 to get my statistics back from QueryTracker, so you better read the whole thing or I’ll be decidedly pissed.

(I’M KIDDING I’M KIDDING I LOVE YOU.) ❤

Part 1 – The Naïve Fool (Me)

I started pitching my books into the void in 2013.

I was 17 years old, a fresh fish in college, and I had just learned about this thing called “querying” from a friend of a friend of a friend. I had two astonishingly heterosexual books that were gaining traction on Wattpad – a YA contemporary called THE BOY WITHOUT A NAME and a YA dystopian called…

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I’m so excited to announce that book 3 in the Queen of Spades Trilogy will be released on April 17! My #scifi #romance is complete, and each #ebook #99c! If you love soft scifi, slowburn romance, and cliffhangers then this now complete series is for you!

I’ve often spoken of the challenges of self publishing but writing and publishing a trilogy in a year wasn’t something I was ready for amid a pandemic. The launch of this trilogy began on the shakiest grounds as the world was swept into chaos.

Having Ayla be my own person hero who’d get through whatever it takes has driven me to finish this series no matter what else is going on with my life. She’s proof that things can be as awful and you can still get through them. That the demons of our past don’t control our futures.

I love her and this series and I can’t wait to show you the final book, please go make my little heart happy and get it, and I promise a fun, fast paced escape from the world with a side of slow burn romance, and what happens when you hurt someone who knows when you are going to die.

Prepped Review

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There’s being prepared for the end of the world, and then there’s being prepared for the end of your world.

Becca’s cynical resistance to her parents brainwashing doomsday philosophy strolls right past parental resentment into a full blown secret plan to flee to college on a scholarship and leave it all behind. But she can’t. Not when her Dad has an accident that leaves him in a coma, her mother doesn’t seem to care, and her little sister Katie starts to believe in the fear.

Becca’s plans for the future wither away all alongside Roy, a boy she’s been genetically matched to marry and continue the line of preppers. But a part of Becca’s assumption comes completely undone when the dopey boy next door turns out he doesn’t believe, and he truly loves her.

Discovering allies in each other, they’ll fight not only for their freedom, but each other’s happiness. But when the doomsday prepper community already has their lives planned out, how on earth will they escape?

I loved Becca’s constant pragmatism and resourcefulness, and not because it was how she was raised, but who she was as a person. Evading core beliefs around family is hard and this story felt very much like Becca was in a cult, but they didn’t have a conventional god, their god is fear. It doesn’t stop her grit, determination, or power to do what must be done.

Sling along side it Roy, the guy Becca’s pretending to love, except not only is he lying to everyone about his disbelief, including Becca, he’s not lying when he says he loves her. When the two start to realize neither of them want to be doomsdayers, its tainted by the fact that Roy loves Becca, but she doesn’t love him back.

This story tugged on my heart strings, as much as we want to say we’re prepared for the future sometimes we just aren’t. Sometimes it takes ingenuity, resourcefulness, and determination just to get through a day, let alone the struggles that life can bring. I thoroughly admired these characters and the small window into their constricted lives, Mangle makes their journey emotional, touching, and laugh out loud funny, even when things are looking at their grimmest.

Screams from the Void Review

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Scary in space has always spoken to me as being like Alien in terms of suspense; there is a monster in the dark, and you know its coming.

Tibbets places you on the page with an ominous whisper in you ear; its already here. It’s behind you.

There is no hesitation, no stopping, and no escape aboard the freighter Demeter. The gradual introduction of the crew while unknown havoc explodes (literally) across the ship promises a story of high stakes, and with more than one element of horror.

The main protagonist, Ensign Reina, speaks to many of us as putting up with an awful situation for the “job” until enough is enough. From a boss who constantly degrades her to make up for his own ineptitude (who hasn’t been there?), to a sexy ex who’s bad boy side is way badder than any of us wants, Reina’s got her hands full. But her patience is running out quicker than the crew has members left.

Alongside Reina’s struggle is chief science officer Pollux who’s drive for constant improvement allowed dangerous cargo aboard. Something that’s hidden among the greenery of her collection of alien plant life to bring back to Earth. And when it bursts out of those early pages of the book, I wondered for the briefest moments if this fluffy critter wasn’t totally misunderstood.

Cue gore.

There are visceral moments of this book I won’t be able to scrub off my mind imagining. I’m not a big fan of bloody scenes, my empathy/imagination can’t hack it, but while the body count triggered my gross meter, it wasn’t the only vileness on the ship.

SPOILERS:

There is an alien on board. Its going to kill them all, and have I mentioned yet, that laser fire can’t kill it? Forget running out of ammo, throwing it out the airlock, or just plain wrestling it to death, lets start with the fact its invisible. You can’t see the damn thing. Pollux bought an invisible death machine on board and now she’s got to get rid of it.

Pollux’s zero BS attitude and Reina’s adaptability on a very dysfunctional ship give a hope that vanishes as quickly as the pace advances. Separated early on, the two differing viewpoints each add their own aspect of terror. Reina, side by side with her abusive ex, and Pollux, fighting off a debilitating rash that’s slowly stealing her thoughts.

For all their ingenuity, their struggle paints a horrible picture of how very f***ed they all are. And this was my one contention with the book. There were a couple of scenes were there was an over emphasis of the fact they had zero chance, but once that was done, I got on with seeing exactly how they were going to get out of it.

Because as much as you’re wondering what they’re going to do about this creature, it was only a part of the stakes. Reina’s ex Morven isn’t so much her ex as the guy from her past she can’t escape; from falling in love with, from still loving despite all he’s done, let alone what he’s about to do.

The two intertwining threads of Reina’s personal demons vs the actual one roaming the ship weave a tangled terrified stream through the story. How you can be mentally trapped, as well as physically, and the emotional turmoil trying to extract from that situation. Reina spoke to a part of me that has cringed when a man raises his voice.

Tibbets proves there’s more than one way to scare a reader and I’m not ashamed to say I kept the lights on and watched Disney after finishing this book. Thoroughly recommend for the well balanced characters you can empathize with in their weakness, the science fiction elements made believable, and the kind of horror that leaves you terrified of the void. When science advances far enough for intergalactic travel, nobody sign me up for space botany.

Butterfly to a Snake

There’s things no one tells you about writing your first novel.

Forget technique or story or genre. Forget characters, plot, or moral. Forget whether you’re fifteen writing fanfic, in your twenties with that book that cries to be written, or older, greyer, cynicism a streak you can’t always replace with kindness.

Writing a whole novel, an honest over 70k full and complete manuscript, tears out your soul.

You start with an intent to finish, maybe you abandon it, you come back, keep plugging away, you work at it. Because you want it all there. You tell your friends and your family and the ones who don’t laugh or mock you become your rocks (and they stay your rocks, never forget those ones).

You climb along the branches of your own life to borrow experiences made up of leaves of emotion you chew and chew and chew. Each bite holds its own bitter sweetness or sweet bitterness. And you swallow every mouthful and spit it back out. Build until the book worm is fat, until it is full, until its not a worm but a caterpillar ready to utter the phrase THE END.

And you write those words… and a little, or a big, piece of you… dies.

But its not dead in a way that a caterpillar isn’t dead.

It turns to goo, to mush, to a few cells simmering in a fabricated pod made up of “this is a complete book.”

What do you do with that book? What goals did you have? What colours of the infinite rainbow of possibility did you imagine when you started out? What wings were you going to unfurl from that pod? What possible dreams lie in store for you?

I’m telling you now, that shouldn’t matter as much as what you’ve already done. You wrote a book.

The wet tendrils of multifaceted cells can unfurl. You wrote a book.

The pages are there, written, complete. You wrote a book.

You can leap off that branch and fly.

No one can take that book away from you, no one can say you didn’t finish. You saw your goal, you saw it through, and then you’re left with the tenuous question… what now?

You could query, or self pub, and all the research is needed for both but there begs a different question once it’s done.

Do you want to write another?

The posts that come after break my hear but they are there;

That’s it, this is the book I have in me. I’m done.

I can’t do this again, it hurts too much.

I don’t care what happens now, I did what I came here to do.

Nobody will ever want to read my book.

That last one tho…

I’ve seen talented writers who’s work I loved walk away for that reason alone. So hollowed by self doubt that when the chrysalis of their caterpillar’s cocoon split open there was nothing left inside. Just the shell. Just a book they’ll never give to anyone.

Because what writers who’ve weathered more than one book don’t tell you is that you aren’t a butterfly.

And you don’t know this until you’ve burst from that first shell that cocooned your story.

You’re a reptile. A lizard, a snake, a gecko. You shed your skin of one book, new and improved a better writer than before, and you do it again. You learn from it, and know that some scars of the book’s world still linger on your scales but you keep going, shedding, building. You grow bigger and braver, so much stronger than you’ll have ever realized.

This path is different for everyone, but the more you write, the more you improve, the more you show that you can hunt in the night, eat readers with delight, and sagely say to yourself that while you can doubt your writing, you don’t doubt that you are, in fact, a writer.

Wings of Ebony Review

Writers always wonder if they’ll ever make it, if their story matters enough for people to want to read it.

None could be so phenomenal as watching J. Elle bring Wings of Ebony to us all.

Cover of Wings of Ebony – black girl in a hoodie with gold cuffs.

I met Elle a few years back over Twitter, a fellow author, she was querying a book I was later to learn she’d revised NINETEEN TIMES. I couldn’t imagine being that dedicated to one story – but Elle picked up an agent and I was delighted for her. The story was important, she believed in it, and I congratulated her along with the rest.

This was the step; an agent taking your book seriously as you did was an opening door, but there are others behind it you don’t really see quite as often. The submission to editors to get the book picked up is even harder on the nerves than the search for agent, or so I’ve read, I’m not sure, but Elle did it with the panache and positivity of everything she does.

She believed in her story.

When the book was picked up, I along many were thrilled, sent her congratulatory messages and then… Wings of Ebony began to take off. With astounding dedication and diligence, I watched in wonder at this new book. I wanted to know what it was about. I’d seen the years in the making to get to this point, from way back in 2018 when we followed each other on Twitter, right up until this moment.

I preordered the book, waited for its release, sat down and… was enraptured.

Nothing can prepare you for this book, whether you’re a stranger to American culture, the undercurrent of racism, or its familiar as your own back yard. Elle takes the plot from the first line and creates a world that was familiar but altogether foreign for me. I could not put it down. There is such a sense of rawness within the pages, threaded through this magical world and Rue, who’s power is breathtaking, so much more than just the magic she wields. The lines with the book are pure poetry at times, whilst completely shattering emotionally. Its worth reading, even if YA urban fantasy is not your thing, because Rue’s story is a story of so many black girls being told who they are and should be, and Rue’s not here for it, and proves that beyond a shadow of doubt. A fantastic read, and should be required reading.

I cried when I finished the book, not because I was saddened, but because I was amazed.

When someone presents a story with their whole heart, and so much dedication, I was amazed and honoured to have watched this incredible journey Elle made. In some regards it struck me that its’ not unlike Rue herself, and the importance of such stories was brought home for me with Elle’s writing.

I urge you to pick up this book if you believe in the strength of a writing journey like Elle’s. I insist as a reader that you get this book for the epic journey of black girl magic. Most of all, read it for the voice, the power within the pages in unputdownable, and Elle does it all with heart racing pace that leaves you breathless.

Writer Resources

Every writer has their toolkit of stuff they use for a host of things that never occur to you starting out. Books, webpages, resources that help with everything from finding the name of a bar, to working out how to rephrase letting go of a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

We’re all guilty of this one, don’t even pretend you’re not.

People will occasionally talk about their resources or what worked for them, so before I launch into what worked for me, this comes with a warning for all the advice I give. Find out what works for you. Not every tip/trick/harebrained font change is going to work out well for you or your writing. Trust your gut, and go with that, and you’ll make the right decision.

IDEAS & INSPIRATION – Springhole

So you want to write/you’ve written a book, and now its time for the next big thing. Except… wow what an effort. Where do you even start? I mean the age brackets of children, middle grade, young adult, new adult, adult is just the tip of the iceberg. Then you’ve got genre, word count, lots of figuring out and you haven’t even got to the good bits!! (names and mood boards – we all know they’re the good bits).

When I’m feeling too much pressure to write a particular thing, or have a couple of different projects on, I’ll go to the genre blender and use it to either push me towards one project, or try something new. It might last half an hour, or I might come away with a brilliant idea. There are a lot of different generators on this list so have a play, it could be fun!

PLOT vs PANSTER – Save the Cat Writes a Novel

There are two ways (no there aren’t, there are many ways, these are typical), to write a book. You can plot it all out, in great detail, until everything is certain, or you can just start writing and not stop until you type the end. Both are valid. Both are not defined by those traits alone, it is the stereotypical joke of writers.

Plotting is good because you can end up saving yourself from things like predictability, pacing issues, and plot holes. I’ve adopted the Save the Cat Novel Writing methodology, which was useful to me after finding some soggy middle stuff in recent scripts.

That’s not to say I don’t pants, I do, most of my ideas are sparked by just pantsing. But once I’m sure I love the story, and kinda know where it’s heading, I use the beat sheets to help navigate. Like the writer,  Jessica Brody, demonstrates in the book, you don’t have to stick to a plot. You may find it goes slightly off beat and that may be a good thing.

WHATS IN A NAME? – Behind the Name

Ok, super secret time. When I come up with a main characters name, its always what they represent to me. Ayla, from my Queen of Spades series, came about as a variation of a name that means Tree of Life. A kind of secret I kept to myself throughout the books (which I can now talk about because book two is out, and what do you mean you haven’t read it? Don’t shout spoilers at me, you can buy book two here.).

I have a few different generators I like to do this, but my favourite will always be Behind the Name.

They have a huge variety, can do different countries of origin, full names, different mythology. There is a lot to take away from their name generators.

HASHTAG MOOD – Pintrest & Collage

A key thing a lot of authors are doing, and even some agents are asking for these days are mood boards. They help build and set tone, add a few key lines to create interest on social media, and can keep you goals focused. I created mine for Raven Lady, a scifi opera about hacking and virtual reality, as per the bellow.

Most have fewer elements than this, they have usually 9 pictures all evenly spaced in three lines of three images. These allow for a great social media post, very attention grabbing and creates an interest in the story, which might indicate which fellow writers might like to beta read the script once its done!

WRITING IS HARD THO…

Yes, dear reader, it is. But it gets easier with time, daily habits, preparation and writing springs.

Carry a notebook around with you/use notes on your phone, so that if you are somewhere awkward you can’t get to your story, and you think of a cool fix for that plot hole, you can write it down.

Make a plan to write a set amount per day/week/month. Nobody gets to dictate these to you but you, but once you work out something that suits, you’re the one that has to commit to making those goals.

Speaking of – don’t start out stating you’ll Stephen King this and write 2k a day when you aren’t used to writing ten words. 2k is hard. Start soft and grow your goals as you would any other new learning curve. Start small, and adjust as you go.

Writing sprints are a fun way to commit to the time, by telling yourself a simple rule; I will only write for this time period. Every time you alt tab you smack your own damn hand, and go back to writing. At first this can be hard, so like with writing goals, you make the time period smaller. I started out at 100 words in 15 minutes, and can now write nearly 3k in an hour. Some of them are garbage, but I’ve got some gold nuggets out of those sprints.

With all these things to get yourself started, it wouldn’t be fair not to talk about the end. There is a long road of work ahead of you, no matter your goals. Remember that whatever you intend, trad, self, indie published, or just to hang onto it, there are ups and downs there too.

But nothing will ever change that you did it. You wrote a book. These are just spring boards to help you along the way though, the rest, is up to you.